When I decided to stay at home, I didn’t know what I was jumping into. I was independent, self-sustaining, and hard-working. I loved being a career gal, being able to purchase something when I wanted, and getting my hair done every twelve weeks.
When I had Lillian, my heart exploded. I was never very maternal, but knew from the moment I laid eyes on her my life would never be the same.
Fast forward to Lillian being two weeks away from her tenth month. Thousands of snapshots later, poopy diapers, and boobie feedings- I am sitting in Starbucks for the first time, solo. I am enjoying my double espresso over ice, writing, and reflecting. This the first time I’ve done this since I was pregnant.
Today my husband gave me the greatest gift- time to myself. Oh, he’s given it before, but to be honest I was either so tired or neurotic that I never actually took advantage of it. I did my toes, nails, and eyebrows, and felt non cave-woman like for the first time in months. I went to a weight lifting class. And here I am now, writing. A purely blissful day.
Where did the time go? How has it taken me ten months to breathe again? (I mean this metaphorically, of course).
I am amazed at how different the adult world is. Oh yes, there is stress and deadlines and rush hour- but it’s such a strange tic-toc rhythm that I have forgotten the tune. My days are filled with Cheerios spilled across the floor, piles of laundry, Sesame Street, and play dates. I am never busy with “important” stuff like business deals or surgery, yet every moment is precious and fleeting. This constant push and pull is what keeps me sucked into mommy world- the pressure of knowing it is all happening too fast and I can’t keep up. Every new interaction is a teaching moment, a chance for me to continually help my daughter learn the beat of the world she is growing into. I am over committed to bible studies, play dates, volunteer work, babysitting, and helping others who have a day job and are busy. I am frazzled!
But happy. I love my messy, unpredictable, cave-woman life.
Because here is the bottom line- this moment is fleeting, too. One day, I will be propelled back into adult world, where puppets are no longer magical and stories of fantasy are exchanged for world news. One day, even my own daughter will know everything (which happens to every fourteen year old I know).
So I will savor this sweet, fleeting time. Who knows? Maybe I undermine the importance of days in the park with my daughter and eating Cheerios while making funny faces, but perhaps they are the most important things I will ever do.
In a few moments, I will pack up my bag and computer, drive home, and re-enter mommy world.
Meanwhile, Starbucks is down the street humming the delightful and ever so tempting music of the other world, and now I know I can always return when I’m ready.