Wow! It has been almost four days since I have had a minute to sit down and write something.
I am a little overwhelmed with life right now.
The ridiculous thing is nothing huge is going on. We are healthy. Things are good. Thank the Lord.
Yet over the past few weeks I have been struggling with feeling mediocre at everything I do. I feel torn into a hundred pieces, and am having a hard time juggling all the roles I am trying to attend to.
Mother, wife, friend, sister, volunteer, housekeeper, daughter, neighbor… I want to be good at everything but I am dropping the ball all over the place.
The other day I had a play date with a friend. Her daughter was up to date on her shots, learning sign language at a rapid rate, and done with the pacifier and bottles and on to sippy cups.
My daughter is the same age. She is struggling STILL to sleep through the night, I haven’t even thought about weening her off the bottle, and sign language? Um, another thing I hadn’t put on my to do list.
I left the play date feeling defeated. I came home and packed up all her bottles and got her big girl sippy and straw cups. I went to the library and checked out “Baby Signing Time” videos so we could work on her sign language. I panicked because I realized I hadn’t made her appointment for her shots and she is behind.
I’ve been trying to sit down to write for days. I am amazed at how RIGHT when I sit down I am needed. Time to make dinner, run an errand, or something of the sorts. I have the best intentions to catch up on the blog and my daughter starts growing in her molars. It has been crazy around here. So I have a screaming baby clinging at my legs under the computer desk to pick her up and cuddle. How can I ignore that? I’ve been scooping her up and saving my work. I can save it for later.
I broke down the other day. I felt flat out exhausted. Trying to keep my house perfectly clean, budget, exercise several days a week, and be the best mom and wife I can be I burnt out. I was running on empty. I cried all day and moped around like a sad sack. I felt like a failure mom, friend, and wife. I hadn’t responded to about 10 emails, forgot to send a birthday card, and replying to blog comments? Failed at that too.
You’d think being a stay at home mom is easy- right? I have all the time in the world to spend with my daughter and attend to our home and my marriage. The crazy thing is that time is an illusion. It gets sucked up so darn fast. Sometimes the “important” things get eaten up by the “lesser” things.
I am not super woman. I will not get everything done. I will fail here and there. Sometimes the dinner I cook will taste disgusting and I will break down in tears at my defeat. I am starting to notice myself aging, and the new wrinkles around my eyes the other day had me freaking out. I pulled out the eye cream I bought a year ago at an Arbonne party and doused my eyes with twice the amount I needed. I’ve been a hot mess. And no- it’s not hormonal. I checked;).
The bottom line is that I cannot do it all. I gotta drop some balls so I can pick up others. My to do list needs to be written in pencil so I can erase it. My role is to adjust to the crazy. The only way I can adapt is to embrace it.
Exhaustion does a funny thing to you. You start to get delirious and loopy, and you start to laugh at the silliest of things. You stop taking everything so seriously. Have you ever watched an exhausted fourteen month old? They get a little crazy hyper- giggling/ crying/ rolling/ stammering all over the place.
Well- I am there. It’s pretty hilarious. And I’ve been told to enjoy it because it doesn’t last forever.
So thanks everyone for hanging in there while I have been a little MIA. 🙂
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