When I look into the mirror today I see a different person than I did ten years ago. I imagine the same to be true in another ten years.
There are some things about myself I am finally coming to terms with. But more than that, there are parts of me I am finally grateful for. It is unfortunate but true that for most of my life I have tried to be someone else. I wanted a better body, a prettier face, or a funnier personality. I had a hard time recognizing the gifts and talents and beauty God had personally given me to be special. I’ve had a hard time being content with me.
There have been a number of events in my life the past years that have caused me to look less at myself and a little more at others and Jesus. This has been one of the best things that could have happened to me. As I stepped out of “me” world I started realizing that the things I was living for were really depleting me of happiness.
I spent years obsessing over having a funny personality or being thin. I will never be a comedian, and I will never be a stick. I am fun-loving and happy go lucky, and I have curves. I used to hate being told I had a big butt. I actually wore a sweatshirt tied around my butt for years. Oh the 90’s. Funny how things change. At that time I was petrified of my curves, and now having major curves is what everyone wants. Hello Kim Kardashian and the big butt movement. But that is a side note…
I used to think my stretch marks from pregnancy were ugly. Now they are reminders of a very special time in my life when I was blessed to carry my first child. I have scars I wish would go away. But they are a very real part of me. They are my stories. Scars are not always ugly, and don’t always need to be removed. They mark significant events in our lives. Why is it I want to hide who I am?
So, I have a memory that fails me constantly and I cannot for the life of me get jokes or remember punch lines. I am usually getting laughed at instead of laughed with. I have curves and scars and bad habits. This is me. And after almost thirty years of life, I am grateful for who God made me to be.
Over the years the hardest person I have had to prove myself to is myself. But the truth of the matter is that as my pride is stripped away, so is my resolute to be someone other than myself. I actually stop looking at myself as much, and my focus is moved outward. It is really freeing. This is not a self-confidence post. This is a post that God has been really gracious with me over the years that I have been so self-focused. It is a real struggle I face daily.
As my loving God reveals more and more of my heart, I actually see a more clear picture of myself as I look into the mirror. And rather than be disgusted by it, I am grateful for what I see. There is so much I have been given that I have always wanted different, more of, or less of. My eyes are being renewed, ever so slowly.