Loneliness

I used to think that once I was married I would never be lonely again. I was so wrong. I found I was actually extremely lonely at times in my marriage. 
Then I thought that once my daughter came along I would never experience loneliness again since I would have a baby with me at all times. I experienced more loneliness as a brand new mom than during any other time in my life. 
The truth of the matter is I have been lonely even as I have been completely surrounded by people. 
Loneliness is something I have tried to deny or reject outright. I used to believe loneliness was a lack of contentment. 
Something I have grown to learn is that loneliness is completely ok, and in fact, healthy. Sometimes I simply feel as though no one truly understands what is going on in my heart. I used to really desire my closest friends and family to “get” me. I yearned for my husband to completely understand my faith and I wished he understood all my desires. I would beg him to understand even as he stared at me with a blank face, trying desperately to understand but not being able to.

I probably sound needy. But my hunch is that many people are have this need and experience loneliness more often than not. 

I still desire these things, but I am learning that a feeling of loneliness is a good indicator for me to actually spend time alone with God. It seems so counter-intuitive. My hearts deepest longing is truly for the Word of God. When I sit at His feet, my greatest companion meets me there and assures me of great promises. 
One of my favorite psalms states: 
O Lord, you have searched me and known me! 
You know when I sit and when I rise up; 
you discern my thoughts from afar. 
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways. 
Even before a word is on my tongue, 
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before, 
and lay your hand upon me. 
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; 
it is high; I cannot attain it. 
Psalm 139:1-6
The world will never completely fill my need for companionship, because it wasn’t meant to do so. As precious as my family and loved ones are, none of them will completely know me or I know them. I cannot expect them to do that or to always meet my needs for comfort and companionship. 
I also love this quote by Blaise Pascal which speaks of this: 
There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.
I am needy. For God’s companionship. 

I may always struggle with loneliness, but I will not have to go through it alone. And with that, I am comforted. Some of my sweetest moments with God have been when I have come to him with tears in my eyes and completely lonely. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *