As some of you may know, we experienced a late term miscarriage a few days ago. Even as I type this I am still trying to wrap my mind around this new reality for us. A few times I have touched my belly to feel the baby kick, remembering that he is no longer inside me. I have often wondered if this is just a dream, but I know it is not. How it all happened so fast I will never understand. Last Wednesday I was sharing the news that we were having a baby boy, and on Saturday I was calling our family to tell them our son had departed to be with God.
Getting back to normal life after losing our little guy has been difficult. Normal tasks like going to the grocery store or doing bedtime routine seem so much more tireseome. As I am piecing everything together, I realize that we have a long journey ahead of us of grieving, learning, and understanding our life now that we have experienced a late miscarriage. But life moves on. My daughter needs me to be strong for her. I need to keep things as normal as possible for her, out of love for her. My husband has to go back to work. Christmas is in a few days, and we long to enjoy our day together as a family, probably more than ever. I have never wanted to be with my family so bad.
I have started journaling and recounting exactly what happened. It is such a difficult thing for me to do, but therapuetic indeed. As soon as I finish remembering how things transpired, I desire to share it here on my blog so that I can share my story of our loss. I have spent the last several nights staying up late, reading other blogs of women and men who have experienced losing their child too soon. No loss is the same, every story is different; but as I read I feel connected to these other families who experience this sad, utterly sad, loss.
Last night I went to Target, to have a few minutes to myself and finish a little Christmas shopping. Normally my happy place, I felt lost. I had no desire to shop or look around. All the distractions and busyness overwhelmed me. I realized that this might be my new normal, living life in a sort of fog. The days seem longer. Food tastes more dull. Celebrating makes me feel guilty.
I suppose that is what I am most afraid of- forgetting my baby boy. A part of me feels strange thinking about conceiving another child. What about him? Do we just move on so fast? Now that we are back to normal life, out of the hospital, no longer surrounded by loved ones, it is sad for me think of life without him. I hope I never go back to the distracted and busy momma I was before. This has changed my heart, and I hope forever. All I want is my family this Christmas, to be near to my little Lillian, and my husband. Everything else has turned a dull grey- all the hoopla of Christmas, the “stuff”, the expectations…
Gifts this year look a little different. We still have the normal wrapped gifts and toys. After the loss, I longed to do something to remind me of all I do have. I made two photo family albums of the last few years, even including the ultrasound pictures, announcements, and footprints of our son in the yearbooks. I cannot wait to open these photobooks Christmas morning and share them with Lillian. I probably spent way too much money on them, but I didn’t care. I needed to see with my eyes the beauty of what we do have.
That is why we truly believe our son was a beacon of love for us. I truly believe that he came to teach me a lesson, our family a lesson. Life is precious and fragile. We never know what the next moment may bring us. All we can do is cherish each moment with one another, and to love as deep as we can, no matter how painful it is. I am blessed by this difficult lesson.
I hope none of you mind me using my blog as a space to “think out loud” on this miscarriage. I know this topic will not apply to many of you- but for the few of you that do relate, I hope we can be there for one another.