What to say to a friend who experienced a miscarriage

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I delivered my baby boy almost exactly one week ago. He died before we got to hold him. A week has never felt so long. Over the past week, I have heard the following sentence dozens of times. “I don’t know what to say…”. Responding to a friend during a time of loss can seem overwhelming. How often have I been on the other side of the fence? It pains me to think of the many friends I have known who had miscarriages. What did I personally do most of the time? Say the same thing, “I don’t know what to say…”. Or worse, almost nothing.

Grief is a strange thing. It is scary. For us that fear delving past the shallow waters of conversations about our new favorite holiday drink at Starbucks or that awesome movie we just saw, talking about death can be too much.

This post is not really about what to say to a friend who experienced a miscarriage. Because, there is really not much you can say to make her feel better. That is not the point. But there is SO much you can say to her to maker her feel LOVED.

Now that I have been the one to experience something I thought would never happen to me, I can honestly say that hearing ANYTHING is better than hearing NOTHING. Some of my friends wrote me prayers via texts. Some dropped off meals. Some delivered flowers or gifts. Some prayed over us. Some spoke beautiful words of encouragement. Some emailed us condolences. Some decided to babysit our child. Some just sat with us and cried with us. Some, simply listened to us. Some hugged us. And some, said the words, “I don’t know what to say…”.

Do you know what I heard from every. single. one. of them?

Love.

It truly didn’t matter what my loved ones said. Because the truth is there are really no words to heal my heart right now.

Yet it was all medicine to soothe my aching heart. Will I heal overnight, next week, or next year? I don’t know. I trust God is the one to mend my broken heart. I know he uses people in my life to help with the process. Every word, even the “I don’t know what to say’s”, felt like medicine for my aching heart.

So, my point is this. Don’t feel like you have to say anything at all. Say what you mean to say. Or say nothing at all. Hug your friend, call them, or just sit with them.

To all my friends I was too afraid to reach out to when I knew you dealt with this, I am so sorry. But, moving forward, I know that saying nothing at all can be just as powerful as saying something eloquent. I am overwhelmed with love from the response of our family, friends, church, and community this past week. I can honestly say that even though I didn’t know what to say back or have the energy to respond, every person changed our life, forever.

Comments

  1. says

    I have been where you are and am sending along a little more love from another Mom to heal your heart and sooth your soul. It does get easier but you never know until you experience it. I had 2 friends miscarry after I did that later came to me and apologized for not really acknowledging my loss. Hugs to you!

  2. says

    I mourn with you. A close friend of mine whose due date is scheduled by end of this month also lost and delivered her baby last week on NYE. It was sad. But I know that no words can make her feel better than the promises of God. I’d share you the same devo I shared with my friends:

    “After everyone was full, Jesus told his disciples, ‘Now gather the leftovers, so that nothing is wasted.’”
    (John 6:12, NLT)

    With God, nothing is ever wasted. He’ll never waste an experience; He’ll never waste a hurt; He’ll never waste a dream; He’ll never waste even a single piece of bread.

    If you’ve felt like you’ve wasted years of your life in the wrong job, hanging around the wrong people, doing the wrong things, God will gather those years and restore them back to you. He’ll take those experiences that the enemy meant for your harm and turn them around for your good. He’ll make you stronger, wiser and better off than you were before. He can launch you further into your destiny than before. Be encouraged today because with God, all things are possible and nothing is ever wasted!

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