Many of you know that a few months ago I experienced a late term miscarriage. I haven’t even sat down to write much about it, but I wanted to share how today I felt so much anxiety. I never would have correlated grief to anxiety, but the more the days press on the more I feel it manifesting in this way. I know what I NEED to do about it- journal more, pray more, allow myself to feel more; yet often the days are filled with all the duties of being a wife, mom, friend, employee, and so many other things that moving through grief doesn’t make it to my to do list.
What do I get anxious about?
Today it was over an incoming snow storm. Last year I got into a car accident by sliding on black ice. My daughter was buckled in her car seat in the back. Just a tot. It was the worst. We slammed into another truck, and then had a car slam into us. We then had to stand outside in freezing temperature for over an hour. My poor baby, her boots were soaked through wet. Her feet were so cold when we started I just put them up to the heat vent for as long as I could to warm them.
The experience has had long term effects. I now dread driving in snow or ice. DREAD. Like, everything in me freezes up.
Tomorrow I have two events I must attend. I have to try and brave the cold and snow, but I don’t want to. I am terrified.
This is the part I correlate with grief. I used to trust God more. I would say a prayer, then trust him to get me from point A to point B.
Now that death has hit so close to home, I worry more. I worry I will lose my daughter, or I will die.
My fears and anxieties are so out of touch with reality and normal life at times. When I step back, I see I am still grieving. I am still heartbroken, and I am still afraid of losing those I love.
Sharing these fears and struggles help. Getting this out of my head helps. I know my baby is with the Lord, and I know He has great plans for me, in theory. My heart struggles, though, to believe that sometimes.
For tonight I rest in the following verse from Proverbs 3:5-6:
“Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”