When grief feels like anxiety

Many of you know that a few months ago I experienced a late term miscarriage. I haven’t even sat down to write much about it, but I wanted to share how today I felt so much anxiety. I never would have correlated grief to anxiety, but the more the days press on the more I feel it manifesting in this way. I know what I NEED to do about it- journal more, pray more, allow myself to feel more; yet often the days are filled with all the duties of being a wife, mom, friend, employee, and so many other things that moving through grief doesn’t make it to my to do list.

What do I get anxious about?

Today it was over an incoming snow storm. Last year I got into a car accident by sliding on black ice. My daughter was buckled in her car seat in the back. Just a tot. It was the worst. We slammed into another truck, and then had a car slam into us. We then had to stand outside in freezing temperature for over an hour. My poor baby, her boots were soaked through wet. Her feet were so cold when we started I just put them up to the heat vent for as long as I could to warm them.

The experience has had long term effects. I now dread driving in snow or ice. DREAD. Like, everything in me freezes up.

Tomorrow I have two events I must attend. I have to try and brave the cold and snow, but I don’t want to. I am terrified.

This is the part I correlate with grief. I used to trust God more. I would say a prayer, then trust him to get me from point A to point B.

Now that death has hit so close to home, I worry more. I worry I will lose my daughter, or I will die.

My fears and anxieties are so out of touch with reality and normal life at times. When I step back, I see I am still grieving. I am still heartbroken, and I am still afraid of losing those I love.

Sharing these fears and struggles help. Getting this out of my head helps. I know my baby is with the Lord, and I know He has great plans for me, in theory. My heart struggles, though, to believe that sometimes.

For tonight I rest in the following verse from Proverbs 3:5-6:

“Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

Comments

  1. says

    Hi, I just came across this post, and had to comment. Grief hits us in the weirdest of ways. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I just wanted to offer the information, in case it helps, that my doctor gave me after my miscarriage, which is that you can experience post-partum anxiety or depression, even after a miscarriage. Most people think of post partum anxiety or depression as something that happens to mothers of healthy babies, but it can happen to mothers of the babies who don’t make it too. I’m sorry. It’s so hard. Losing babies is the hardest thing. It makes sense it would affect your anxiety. Therapy and for me, anxiety medication, has made an enormous difference in my life. Don’t be afraid to reach out for some extra helping hands if you need it.

  2. says

    Tiffany, I am so sorry for your loss. I know from the past year that I was experiencing grief the same way. It was manifesting as anxiety. It took me a full year to figure out what had happened and at that point I was so far removed from reality that I was nearly catatonic. Talking about it can help. And I did the same thing by putting off my grief because there wasn’t time on my list. Trust me that putting it off is not possible. Eventually it will come crashing through like it did with me. My thoughts are with you and I hope it helps to know that you are not alone with your anxiety/grief. <3

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